cluttered mind

Hisashiburi.. Anyway I’m back with tons of whatever.😂

For me, twenty fiftheen is a year of change. I just state that for no apparent reason..

Arts. Drawing. Painting. Cats( but still a dog-lover). Calligraphy. Music. FOB. Point of views. Independent lady. Promotes self-love. Has a high value of self-worth. FERNWEH. Plans and aspirations. Heart. Fighter. Likes and dislikes. Je ne sais quoi.

And on the process of discovering true self.

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to the guy who left me hanging

They say I should be over it by now. That it’s been over a year and that should be enough time to slowly put a closure on something that has never really happened fully. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I really should have fully recovered from the drama and trauma you have caused when you made your disappearing act and resurfaced a few months later, a new girl in your arms. But who are we to say when feelings are supposed to end? Like love, we also don’t know when heartbreak stops.

It seems sad, now that I look back on those times when I was just so crazy about you. Crazy about the way you told me you liked me, but never really loved me. Crazy about how you thought so little of yourself, but I was so blinded by everything that I made stupid reasons in my mind to defend your actions. Crazy about the way you told me and lied to me that you’ve been too hurt before that you’ve shunned commitments and relationships altogether, but I thought I was the game-changer so I pushed through and pushed harder. Crazy how I fell for your clichés because everything sounded too good to be true. And I was right. Crazy about how you gave me enough to keep me on my toes, but not enough to keep me standing. Crazy. I was crazy. And honestly, you were crazier and even cruel to lead me on.

I will never know what went wrong, why we can’t cross the other side of the fence, call it a day, and be together in the most formal sense of the word. I knew you were scared and so was I, but it wasn’t as if we acted like we were just friends. We acted like a couple. We talked everywhere, as if we were running out of time. We held hands, held hands so tightly that I thought nothing and no one can break that bond anymore. We found warmth in each other’s breath, embrace, touch, words. For a few months we were actually happy.

But those happy moments were short-lived. I didn’t know if you got bored or you thought you were done with me already or you found someone new, whose feelings you can play with the way you played with mine, when you disappeared. You just stopped answering to my calls and my messages. You just tossed me aside like a badly used scratch paper for Math class, just a scratch person who happened to be there when you were in need of someone to listen to you or distract you from your issues in life.

And maybe I was right. Maybe you really found someone new to fool around with because a few months later, another girl was in your arms and another girl was commenting on all of your social media posts. Yes, I still haven’t unfollowed you or unsubscribed to you because that’s the only way I can “hold” you now. The difference? You and her were Facebook official, which means you were The Fault In Our Stars official and not 500 Days of Summer official. You were legit IRL.

I didn’t know how to take in that news or to stop blaming myself or blaming you or blaming that girl. I didn’t really know if I hated you or hated myself more because you of all people led me on and I was too dumb to fall for your trap. Most of all, I didn’t know if I even had the right to get mad or feel anything at all.

Because when all has been said and done, what I had was nothing anyway. I had no claim, no rights. There was never a “we” or an “us,” just you and me. We didn’t need closure because we haven’t even opened a door. We didn’t need farewells because we didn’t even say hello to something. And I don’t have any choice but to let this all go, let you go even if I think I deserve some sort of closure or explanation no matter how pathetic that may be. And as I look at yet another update of the two of you on my feed, huddled together and smiling like there’s no tomorrow to wake up to, while a part of me is thinking that I hope she loves you more than a million and more than a billion and more than I ever could, I am also thinking that maybe this online PDA of your current relationship is the exact closure that I need to finally get over this and get over you.

~

Whoever wrote this, thank you for giving me the exact words I’m feeling right now.

change is inevitable.

Just a random thought to make up for my absence.. XD

Love can be self destructive if given to a wrong person. You give and expect them to do the same but if they don’t it could be the end of you. But life works in mysterious ways, coz it is also love that will make you whole again(self-love actually)

Sometimes I miss the old me, how innocent I was before and carefree but at the same time very gullible. Haha.

back on track

I’m back! Lately I’ve been busy daydreaming and cleaning the house since I’m at home lang and August pa start ng class ko. I made a list of things I could do for my so-called long vacation.. like learning to play the organ, writing calligraphy at magadvance study sa pathology pero tingin ko I won’t be able to do that now because I’ve been given the opportunity to work abroad this summer. Haha. At first I was excited at game lang.. but now I’m kinda scared.

Whew! I know it will be challenging and hard.. I’ll be away to my family for awhile but I’ll make sure I’ll earn at hinding hindi ko hahayaan na mapapabayaan ko sarili ko and most importantly hindi ko ikakapanget ang pagwowork dun. Aba! 21 years old ako and I have body and face goals maliban sa yumaman noh.

Lord I know you’re always there for me and your plans are better than mine kaya kayo na po bahala sakin. :3

bad mood

Next time I’ll trust my gut. I when don’t want to come, I don’t. I’m not going to force myself to follow anyone just to please them. I have to stick to my decisions. I’ll do what I say, respect my word.

I’m not really a tamad person. Sometimes I am but most of the time I just don’t want doing things alone especially if its something I don’t like. Its the feeling you get when you’re doing chores while the others are not doing anything. Kainis! Haha.

Yeah, at the age of 21.. immature at childish pa rin ako. And its one of the things na gusto kong baguhin sakin. Kaya ko to!