Day 1

Received a call around 11am that my swab results are out and it’s POSITIVE.

Of course, I’m shock. I didn’t absorbed well what the person is telling me on the line. I told her can I call you again mam I’m really shocked right now and I don’t know what to say.

I did cried. Informed all the people I encountered recently. Did our best in order not to stay in the quarantine facility. Asked for Kap. Ayie’s help. We’re really thankful for it. Can’t imagine what it would be if stayed there. A bit problematic on where our condomates would stay. I’m shy for troubling them. We didn’t expect that it would turn out like that. We just wanted to be sure before we go home.

We are still blessed because God didn’t allowed us to travel and see our families while being in this condition. We’re just praying for our recovery.

God is good.

Vent machine

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. A lot of things happened but nothing has changed. I still don’t know where I see myself after five year or ten years. I’m still with my old job; don’t know if I will really quit or just decided to continue even though I know it’s not worth it in the long run. It pays good for the time being tho.

A year has passed but the questions still remain unanswered. Was it because of my lack of move? Should I go somewhere? Wtf. I’m about to leave the people or places I’m used to.

Others seemed to be getting better. I’m inspired by them. But, I don’t know what leap to take or where to go. I am stuck! Fudge! Negativity and anxiety creeps in whenever I think about this stuff. When will I get the answer or path?

If I look around it seems like my current decisions where based on the people around me. I’m worried what would they think or how will they be even though I still don’t know where to go.

That decision wherein I could say that this is what I want still hasn’t resurface yet. I don’t know if it will ever be. How can I find it? Should I quit my job now even though I don’t know where to go? Should I leave even though I don’t have enough money? I guess. The answer is no. It’s not practical to leave your job during this pandemic without any plan. So how can I find a plan while I’m still here in my current job?

Life update:

> Vets On Call came. I discovered I could somehow write. It was fun. There was a moment when I thought this could be the next VLV decision. Happiness didn’t last. We fought. Words drop behind our backs. We talked. We discovered who the real culprit. We became friends again. Now, VOC is somehow on loose. Other will be on other world next year.

> Someone said I was ugly. Excuse me, I just have a pimple outbreak due to mask. Okay. 🙄

> I must be crazy to think that I like someone ewwyyy.

> I’m still lost. Hoping for some change.

I need to move. I must overcome what I’m feeling and just be productive. I’m not in a right place to just lay around and do nothing, other people and my work will be affected by it

I miss home. I miss my parents. It made me think that I should just quit my job and leave our baby business. Live a simpler life. But I’m scared of being poor that’s why I’m staying here.

What should I do? Will I be happy if I stay here? But, I want to use my room! I want a life with my family.

I am lost.

A little sunshine please

Wake me up when September ends..

AGAIN.

Four or five years ago, I was stressed about lovelife. This time, it’s about friendship and path.

I dreamt of building a clinic here in Manila with a friend. During that time I’m in a state where I still don’t know where to go. What I want to do with my life. If this is the place where I’m supposed to be. Then COVID happens, the next thing I know Vets On Call is built. We were happy and stressed at the same time.

Vets On Call gave me the feels of VKLV life again. I’m glad and felt fulfilled. There are sorts of problems that occur here and there but we managed to fix it. I thought our differences were settled calmly. But I guess I was wrong.

The difference about home management grows, patience is being burnt out and stress with work is also joining the party. We are a mess that tries to stay together. I kinda sense that next year we might live in separate houses but still near just to avoid clashes. I thought we were going to move away in good condition.

But I’m not sure about that now. I’m not even sure if Vets On Call will still be pushed through and still be whole. I personally hope that the four of us (veterinarians) will still be complete. However, if I’m the only one who wants that.. It ain’t gonna happen.

I’m mad with the person who stirs our already unstable friendship. If things went worse, I wouldn’t be able to talk to that person ever. I might also took a long time to recover for what he did. Yes, we were wrong but sticking his nose with other people’s business and making situation worst is also wrong. He’s already an adult. He must know better. From what I heard he was just concern. Nonsense! You’re just trying to win someone’s heart. Aren’t you aware that you’re tearing us apart?

And to my friend, if you’re going to leave because of what he said, go ahead. I don’t need someone who won’t stay with me when things are getting difficult. Forget the dreams we’ve made. I shouldn’t base my plans with other people anyway.

This is the time to decide for myself and make a decision solely on the things I want. I always say “I don’t know” because it’s the truth. But, now, I’ll start saying ” I’m certain that I want to do this and that”.

I’m certain that I want to have my own business. I’m certain that I don’t want to work for someone for the rest of my life. I’m certain I want to travel the world.

Wake me up when September ends (again)

Things happen because they need to happen. People leave because they are meant to leave. Maybe because their purpose for your life is done.

If someone chose to go because things are getting difficult, let them. Even if it hurts and you’ve built friendship and trust with this person. Let them go. Don’t hold on to someone who won’t do the same for you. You don’t deserve them.

We all have difficult days wherein we’re being unlovable and cranky. But it’s a good opportunity to see who will stick by your side when you’re being the worst version if yourself.

There’s no point in being sad over and over again for the things you cannot change. Forgive yourself. See people as they are. Set yourself free then accept the reality. It might be for the best.

I don’t like people who sticks their nose on other people’s business pretending they are just concern. These people create turmoils that destroys friendship. (I need to rant this somewhere).

An Open Letter to the Twenty-Something Who Wants to Change the World

Must keep this in mind

antoinette jadaone, filmmaker, manila, ph

An Open Letter to the Twenty-Something Who Wants to Change the World
By Antoinette Jadaone

Dear Fresh Grad,

I think I saw you yesterday along Makati Avenue, clutching a brown envelope—inside are your resumés, right?—,wearing the most smart casual attire your closet will allow, waiting for the traffic light to change to red. You looked a little flustered. Why, did your job interview not go so well? It’s your fifth interview in six weeks, I hear? Don’t worry, they always say “don’t call us, we’ll call you” to almost everybody. Hindi ka nag-iisa. Oh, your best friend nailed her interview on the first try? And your other ka-barkada too? Well. Good for them. Wag ka lang inggitera.

I know, I know. You’ve already imagined yourself in your dream job immediately after graduation, getting paid—and a lot at that—doing what you love to do, so “it doesn’t feel like work at…

View original post 628 more words

Pinky promise

I made a promise to myself and to God not to let any guy enter my life for five years due to a heartbreak moment. That I would spend that time knowing myself more and making myself better. I think I made a so-so improvement. It’s been four years since I made that promise. Right now, I want to meet new people and get to know them. My current belief is “the more people I talk to, the more I learn about life”. I just kinda need to learn how not to romantically fall to the guys I knew deeply. Maybe because a part of me wants to be in a relationship. And I think there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s okay. I know myself, it’s normal for me to fall to guys once I get to know them. Though it happens only if there’s a connection. But that’s okay. It just happens that I’m still in the phase of not right now. I don’t want to rush things. I want to be in a relationship when I’m ready, when I feel complete without the need for other people.

Me realizing these things makes me feel that I’m loving myself right and put the unknown thoughts to rest. However, I’m still trying to figure a lot of things like what can I do that I can stand doing for the rest of my life? Haha things like that. But I have a feeling that I’d like to engage in business because I enjoyed selling mangoes. I love the process of picking, ripping, delivering and receiving response to that product.

I also like handwritten letters and poems.

 

I’ll set myself free to love myself more. A love that brings calmness to my core. Yes, darling, you deserve it all. 

Some kind of spark

What a day.

First time ko magcesarean magisa.

Pit bull pa. Kabado. Oo. Pero pinilit kayanin. Pero hindi hanggang dulo. Humingi ako ng tulong kasi yung swero niya nagbuldge na at hindi ko talaga maswero. Hindi ko naman kaya na iwanan na hindi nakaswero. I prayed and asked for help. Nanggulo. Pasalamat talaga ako at mabait siya at natawagan ko pa siya. Umasa lang talaga ako na sasagot at makokontak ko siya. Gusto ko na talagang umiyak na parang bata kanina pero napigilan lang niya ako. Para akong bata. Nakakatawa. Naiiyak dahil hindi maswero. Hay. Sana walang mangyare na masama sakanya. Please.

Pauwi. Nag crave talaga ako ng ice cream. Hindi pa din pala ako nagbabago. Happy food ko pa din pala yun. I ranted like a child on our way home. I wanted to cry pero kahit anong pilit ko ayaw. Masswero ko ba tong aso na to kung iiyak ako? Pero kaya nga ako naiiyak kasi hindi ko siya maswero. Nakakafrustrate! Patapos na pero naging ganun pa.

May ganun naman kasing ugat talaga. I was thinking kung papalya ako sa surgery at aayawan na ang small animal san ako pupunta. Eh akala ko ba I want to stay in this field kasi I want to save pets, treat them properly and see Hershey in every patients I attend? Para makabawi naman ako. Yan yung nasa isip ko during surgery na gusto ko na hintuan pero hindi pwede. Para kay Hershey to. Nilakasan ko loob ko. Isara tong dumudugo. Isara na kahit pagod na. Hindi. Hindi ka hihingi ng tulong kakayanin mo tong surgery. Iclose mo to. Hindi palaging may tutulong sayo. Kaya desidido talaga ako na iswero si Kitty magisa kaso wala talaga ako. Ano pa ba uunahin ko, pride o yung aso? Syempre aso. Nakailang try nako wala pa din.

I am blessed.

Blessed them too Lord.

Thank you for this experience.

I think I see a trail.

❤️

 

3.8.2020

 

Square One

Everything is wrong

Nothing is going right

I can't even sleep at night.

Lost for words

 Lost for thoughts

Looking for something where I can see my worth.

Been digging for gold

Carving for love

Tell me, 

is this where my passion is all about?

What do you see when you look at me.

Is it the same on how I see myself?

Is it something more or something less?

2.22.2020


Hey self

It’s good to be back. I’m glad I was able to post some of my thoughts here. I almost forgot some of my moments pero marami pa din akong hindi na nailagay.

Time to add some stuffs to remember 😊