This Time

This time I’ll shut my mouth for the words I’ll utter won’t reach your heart. 

This time you’ve made up your mind, that I’m the girl you’ll leave behind. 

You say it’s hard, you say it’s for us but baby you just tore us apart. 

I dont know what to feel

Is it relief or grief 

For setting me free

All I know is thank you for keeping it real

I never thought we’d come to this
That someday you’ll be leaving me

I hope these words will reach your heart because baby its time. 

Surely, the mess we’ve made will haunt me but I’ll keep it, treasure it til my memory fades away

This time I’ll be holding my hand

Trying to understand if its love or just a cover up

Unuttered words runs so deep I can’t pretend I’m still asleep 

You say i dont deserve you, it’s for the best, I need to rest and stop the tears from falling at the edge
But who are you to call the shots if you’re worth it or not

 I never thought we’d come to this

That someday we’ll break our promise 

Searching for unknown

Never going back to our home

Surely the mess we’ve made will haunt me but I’ll keep it, treasure it til my memory fades away

I never thought we’d come this far But maybe this time, it really is goodbye. 

I need to do this too

Saying the words that will cut right through, goodbye to you. 

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keep going

Nobody wants a negative person but I think they are the ones that needed more understanding and support. I know because I’ve been there or I’m still are. A few moments ago, I tried cutting myself. I just got lucky because mapurol yung knife haha ang epic di ba? I was serious in doing it I just don’t know why it didn’t work maybe a part of me was scared too.

Why did I come to that? I guess my emotions and problems got over me that the only way to stop what I feel inside is to die, to be gone and burst out of nowhere. It’s when I feel useless and nothing that those kind of actions come into my mind. Yeah, what an act of selfishness and lack of self-love but you can’t blame me for feeling this way. All of us (or not I just assumed it) felt this way at least once. But here’s a piece of advice (ang ironic coming from someone who just tried to kill herself haha) DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. No matter how much you hated yourself right now, things will get brighter and someday. God is always there for you, anywhere and all the time. So when you’re feeling down and lost just call him.

[ u n k n o w n d a t e ]

Hey, you!

First love never dies but its a kind of love that never grows

That smile of yours is what I miss the most

When we talk, my mind go slow-mo’s

My thoughts of you consist of why’s and oh’s

Of why arent we together, oopss

That was just a joke

Its been a long time since the last time we talked, you’re single, i hope 

And that was just another hoax 

Excuse my sense of humor

Im just like that to the people i adore

I still find you cute

But i should keep my voice on mute

Because the words i might shoot

Wont mean anything to you
I guess we’re just meant to have this kind of ship, a friendship, I supposed. 

Anyway, arent we lucky to have each other?

We’re maybe just meant to be as friends but at least we have something that never ends. 

_ _

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. 

Isnt it great to have that kind of story with someone? But how awesome it would be if my tale to be with my worth-the-trouble guy comes around next?

Cant wait! Nothing worth having comes easy. I trust the Author of my story. 

Thank you Lord for all these realizations 😊
P.S. 

To you who’s reading (if there is) its my first time to post something like this. Any criticism (grammars or anything) please tell me that would be a great help. Thank you! 😁

HBD

I still cant find a reason to celebrate this day. I even started crying first minute pa lang. Well, if you’d ask me why its because i have so much things to do and celebrating that this is my day doesnt go on top of my list. 

First, this day reminded me that i should have finished conducting my thesis but im only a half way through. 

Second, that home-wrecker bitch poke me right before my birthday. She really knows how to choose the dates eh? Because of that all the things that happened before new year came flashing through. Nice no? Konti na lang papatulan na kita. 

Third, i jusr feel like i dont. What’s    good about this day when its just a day. Special? I dont feel like it. 

Im not this kind of person naman.. ngaun lang ako ganito. I mean whats so good about birthdays? Before, i used to mark this day as a something special like a time to change and so forth. But now, wala, i feel so stress that i rather think that today is just a day. 

But i hope i could still change this. Mahaba pa naman yung oras e

Peter Pan’s wish 🌟

Have you ever felt like you want to pause the moment.. the in betweens of life.. before you face the next episode because you already have an idea of whats coming around. You dont know what surprise it contains but you know once you open it, there will be no turning back. It wouldnt be the same. You’ll never be the same kid that recieves that box so you prolong in opening it.
Not because I dont want it, its because I just want to stay. Stay like this. Like a child. Hahaha though Im no longer considered one, hello 22 nako. Isip bata lang talaga. I dont know if this is just me being an aquarian having the rebelious side. Haha i have no reason to be rebelious naman. But maybe Im just scared of the changes that might happen or the changes that already occured #thesis. Yeah, these thoughts occured after I started conducting/prelims sa thesis. Wew. I just notice that while writing this. At this moment talaga to promise. Well, since nalaman ko na ang reason kung bakit ganito.. Im outta here! Haha nope joke lang. 

Thesis feels. Every weekend kasi we have to collect samples from the slaghterhouse then conduct IVF. June ako nagstart magcollect but until now once pa lang ako nkakapagpa-blastocyts 😞. Tapos yung mga kasama ko patapos na, ako hindi. Ako pa man din yung bata na uuwi hanggang pwede. Hay! I miss home. 

What should I do then? I quit na yung thesis? Worst. Masanay na sa changes na itu?

Embrace the change? No. I cant. I dont want to. Stubborn na kung ganun ayoko pa talaga. Di pako ready😞. 

But no matter how hard I resist it I know there will come a time that those boxes of change will push itself to me. And I cant change or stop it from happening. It is in His great plan to do so. Its just a matter of how Im going to see it. I can choose my life to be grateful or scared forever. Its up to me. 

There’s nothing to be scared of when you have faith in the Lord. Whatevers that bothering my heart and mind, alam kong kaya ko to. Di ako sususko, tuloy lang sa pangarap. I’ll make my parents proud, someday 👊🏻. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understandings” -Proverbs 3:5

i failed

Yep. You’ve read that right (kung may nagbabasa man nito maliban sakin 😉). I failed. I have four subjects this semester and I failed two of them. Well it’s my not my first, the truth is.. Teka bilangin ko lang. Oo madami na. Okay its NINE, i already failed 9 subjects making my 6 year course to 8 years tapos may boards pa. Sa totoo lang i don’t even know why I’m here.

As being the eldest, i failed to be a good example to my brother (actually siya matino, dapat talaga siya panganay samin haha). Being the president of my sorority that has a major goal of “Academic Excellence” i failed din. O di ba to the highest peak na ang epicness ko. Pero teka you if you are thinking na ako na ba ang pinakamagaling samin kaya ako. Well, HECK NO! Maraming magaling samin i just don’t know why kung bakit ako(maybe they see something sakin na I dont see yet). Actually, I’m planning to quit my position because I don’t think that I deserve it. But I am most disappointed to myself because once again.. once again.. I’m going to make my parents sad. So far never in my life that I made them proud. Ang sad no. Hayss ;(

I’m maybe feeling nginig to the bones,  I lost my way ayoko na, don’t know why I’m here lahat na, Lahat-lahat na pwedeng magdescribe sa feeling na hindi  ko na kaya.at hinang-hina nako i-insert na. BUT I’M DONE KISSING MY ASS. Those mistakes are part of my life that I could never change. I’m done doing self-pity and crying because that won’t take me anywhere. It was my mistake so I have to face the consequence, take those subjects again and make a better performance. Learn from it. And this time I WILL BE BETTER. 

Maybe, God give us the same challenges again and again because we  never learn. Simple as that. Don’t think shits like God has left us and didn’t love us na because that’s crazy! God is with us all the time. It is us who failed to see Him. Life is not just about rainbows and butterflies sometimes we have to face the rain and enjoy it. So stop wandering if God has forsaken us because He never will. Trust His plans and hold on. Things will make sense someday and when you realized that you are better than before. If you’re wondering if I always think like this you’re wrong, I’m not. That’s why I’m writing this to keep myself reminded that God loves us so much and to share my thoughts na rin.

Yep I failed but  I’LL NEVER QUIT, I’M A LADY LIKE THAT. Hindi ako naging Lady just to quit. And those are just grades that doesn’t define who I am as a person. Yeah I can be easily distracted and lazy sometimes but I’ll never let those cards tell who I am as a person. I’m continuously growing and I’m on my way to becoming stronger and wiser. I may stumble along the way but I’ll never stop reaching my dreams.

O, tama na ang drama na e. Hahaha next time pag sinipag na lang ulit ako magshare. Ja ne!