Who do I feel like God just wants me to give up? Then after a few I like I’m just an ungrateful brat who doesn’t like to work or don’t know what to do in life?

Yesterday was the grand opening of our partnership here in Cabanatuan. But I don’t feel like there’s a partnership at all. I feel like we were being used by those businessman. We weren’t even called during the prayer. No photos with and no thank yous. We stand and endure the heat for 9am to 4 pm. Then it’s all me from 4pm to 7:25 pm. I felt so alone in those times. But I’m still grateful for my friends who come and supported us. But I didn’t feel any partnership at all.

I felt indifferent.

Today, our dog was missing. I think Red was stolen. Her cage was closed. Papa said maybe he jumped out of her cage. But I don’t think so. She’s already old and that was not her behavior. I roamed around our subdivision and asked everyone who might saw her. I don’t feel very positive.

I realized maybe I’ve been depressed this whole year that I’ve been covering up myself that I’m not. I am so lost in life. The work that I thought I am passionate about doesn’t seem like its what I want to do for the rest of my life. The hardest part is I do not know what I wanted to do. I feel so tired even I’m not doing anything. I feel so worthless even though I’m working and able to support myself. However, I have no savings.

I

I’m back!

It’s been a while since I opened this account. I almost forgot na may account nga pala ako dito. Anyway, I’ll try to update this journal regularly (for my own sake).

A lot of things happened na hindi ko pa nasusulat dito. Maybe maiisulat ko or maybe hindi na pero it’s nice na may nahuhukay ako about myself through this journal. Madami na bang nagbago? Medyo. Pero parang hindi din. Haha

This Time

This time I’ll shut my mouth for the words I’ll utter won’t reach your heart. 

This time you’ve made up your mind, that I’m the girl you’ll leave behind. 

You say it’s hard, you say it’s for us but baby you just tore us apart. 

I dont know what to feel

Is it relief or grief 

For setting me free

All I know is thank you for keeping it real

I never thought we’d come to this
That someday you’ll be leaving me

I hope these words will reach your heart because baby its time. 

Surely, the mess we’ve made will haunt me but I’ll keep it, treasure it til my memory fades away

This time I’ll be holding my hand

Trying to understand if its love or just a cover up

Unuttered words runs so deep I can’t pretend I’m still asleep 

You say i dont deserve you, it’s for the best, I need to rest and stop the tears from falling at the edge
But who are you to call the shots if you’re worth it or not

 I never thought we’d come to this

That someday we’ll break our promise 

Searching for unknown

Never going back to our home

Surely the mess we’ve made will haunt me but I’ll keep it, treasure it til my memory fades away

I never thought we’d come this far But maybe this time, it really is goodbye. 

I need to do this too

Saying the words that will cut right through, goodbye to you. 

keep going

Nobody wants a negative person but I think they are the ones that needed more understanding and support. I know because I’ve been there or I’m still are. A few moments ago, I tried cutting myself. I just got lucky because mapurol yung knife haha ang epic di ba? I was serious in doing it I just don’t know why it didn’t work maybe a part of me was scared too.

Why did I come to that? I guess my emotions and problems got over me that the only way to stop what I feel inside is to die, to be gone and burst out of nowhere. It’s when I feel useless and nothing that those kind of actions come into my mind. Yeah, what an act of selfishness and lack of self-love but you can’t blame me for feeling this way. All of us (or not I just assumed it) felt this way at least once. But here’s a piece of advice (ang ironic coming from someone who just tried to kill herself haha) DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. No matter how much you hated yourself right now, things will get brighter and someday. God is always there for you, anywhere and all the time. So when you’re feeling down and lost just call him.

[ u n k n o w n d a t e ]

Hey, you!

First love never dies but its a kind of love that never grows

That smile of yours is what I miss the most

When we talk, my mind go slow-mo’s

My thoughts of you consist of why’s and oh’s

Of why arent we together, oopss

That was just a joke

Its been a long time since the last time we talked, you’re single, i hope 

And that was just another hoax 

Excuse my sense of humor

Im just like that to the people i adore

I still find you cute

But i should keep my voice on mute

Because the words i might shoot

Wont mean anything to you
I guess we’re just meant to have this kind of ship, a friendship, I supposed. 

Anyway, arent we lucky to have each other?

We’re maybe just meant to be as friends but at least we have something that never ends. 

_ _

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. 

Isnt it great to have that kind of story with someone? But how awesome it would be if my tale to be with my worth-the-trouble guy comes around next?

Cant wait! Nothing worth having comes easy. I trust the Author of my story. 

Thank you Lord for all these realizations 😊
P.S. 

To you who’s reading (if there is) its my first time to post something like this. Any criticism (grammars or anything) please tell me that would be a great help. Thank you! 😁

HBD

I still cant find a reason to celebrate this day. I even started crying first minute pa lang. Well, if you’d ask me why its because i have so much things to do and celebrating that this is my day doesnt go on top of my list. 

First, this day reminded me that i should have finished conducting my thesis but im only a half way through. 

Second, that home-wrecker bitch poke me right before my birthday. She really knows how to choose the dates eh? Because of that all the things that happened before new year came flashing through. Nice no? Konti na lang papatulan na kita. 

Third, i jusr feel like i dont. What’s    good about this day when its just a day. Special? I dont feel like it. 

Im not this kind of person naman.. ngaun lang ako ganito. I mean whats so good about birthdays? Before, i used to mark this day as a something special like a time to change and so forth. But now, wala, i feel so stress that i rather think that today is just a day. 

But i hope i could still change this. Mahaba pa naman yung oras e